Yesterday I relapsed and used an old coping mechanism to help me deal with some uncomfortable feelings I have been dealing with. It’s been a stretch since I’ve had a binge so I really went all in last night, ensuring that I ate everything that wasn’t nailed down. Purging has never been something that has accompanied my bingeing and I think that is because the physical discomfort I feel after stuffing my face serves to fuel my self-loathing.
As much as following the Metabolism Plan is about reducing my chronic inflammation it is also largely to do with my weight because that is where all roads lead back to in my life. I think it is important to acknowledge this if I am going to try and unravel this pattern of filling a void with food when I am feeling tired, sad, anxious and even happy.
I am currently working through some childhood trauma with my counselor, which I think is bringing up years of buried shame, anger, sadness and a sort of mourning over the absence of connection I had as a child.
People have hurt my body both in childhood and as a young adult, which has created a lack of safety and distrust in my physical self along with whole host of other emotional idiosyncrasies. As a young child I restricted food as a means of control and I think, subconsciously, as a way I could literally disappear. In my young adulthood I began to compulsively overeat as a means of creating a physical barrier that would make me invisible and safe from further harm.
Whenever I start to lose weight and my body starts to resemble something that societal norms dictate is desirable; I become visible again to friends, family and the general public. This attention inevitably triggers my self-sabotage and I end up abandoning whatever diet, exercise routine or “lifestyle change” I have adopted at the time. I have come to realize this is a fear based response and that I need to name it in order to let it go.
Suffice it to say; I will continue with the Metabolism Plan, I just need to unfuck myself in order to carry on with days 12 through 30. The unfucking sometimes takes a few days 😉